When I Finally Realized I Have Nothing to Say

photo (31)I haven’t written in almost a month. I hid it well by doing an incredible series with the voices of other women. But something has been plaguing me and the symptoms looked a lot like insecurity. Until they suddenly looked like realization.

Last night I had forty-five minutes of windshield time in a car that was void of chatter and quarreling and husbanding. I turned off the stereo {mainly because it was country music, but that’s a discussion for a different time– oh husband of mine, why do you torture me?} and starred at bumper lights lining the interstate before me.

Whoever named it quiet time obviously didn’t have children. My prayers are never spoken in the quiet. They are always cried out in the chaos. But last night was different. I took advantage of it.

“I’ve lost my voice, God. I thought I had something to say; I thought it was worth saying. But everywhere I look, others are speaking and their words make more sense. Their messages offer more clarity. Their stories are like neon signs pointing toward you, but mine feel like a piece of cardboard upon which I am furiously scribbling nonsense in Sharpie marker and every time I make a mistake, I realize I can’t erase it, so I scratch that out, too, and Sharpie some more and…Come on! Let’s face it…I have nothing to offer outside of what you’ve given me. And if I were honest, I don’t want to give others of my brokenness but only of your complete healing.”

And the red lights led the way to forgiveness.

I just have to tell you this blog has nothing to offer you. I have no remarkable message. I have no answers to the questions except that I am loved and so I love. I am not a world-changer, I am a world-listener. I listen to the chatter of school days and quarrels. I listen to the need for lunch or a diaper change or a lost shoe.

I seek forgiveness for once seeking recognition for my writing. And now I seek the opportunity to hear your story. I seek face-to-face time rather than face-to-screen. Which one is more valuable? Writing words on a page that can be read, put in a basket, and later traded at a used bookstore–or watching as God writes words of life on the heart of the woman before me?

If God’s going to change your life, and I know that He will, then I want to be there to watch. You are the one who points to the power of the resurrection–your life is the one that reminds me He transforms and it’s glorious–all shiny, bright, contagious glory.

I’ve lost my voice. And what I discovered is that it was yours I desired to hear all along.

For some crazy reason, God has allowed me to serve in such a way that I am invited into the most private of places in the lives of other women. She has a need, I have a desire to listen, and suddenly the sanctuary of her heart is opened and I enter gingerly, kneeling in the presence of her and our God and it. is. beautiful.

I am hushed by the the privilege.

So this blog is taking a shift. It’s moving away from me and toward that sacred sanctuary within us all. The place God resides. The place from which his image is stamped upon us.

Not only that, my life is taking a shift. I still have to write, it’s my act of worship. But may these words start serving someone other than myself.

So I offer up my cardboard and my Sharpie marker to the sacred space of your heart.

Would you do the same? Would you quiet your ambition alongside me? Would you slow down your pace and create space large enough to invite someone in? Who would we get to know if we simply opened our day with a prayer of availability?

Let us learn the art of stillness, of quietness and of listening. Let us not speak hasty words meant to fix rather than hold. Let us not speak harsh words meant to correct rather than accept. Let us listen with the ears of God and offer only what echoes from the pages of His Word and His Spirit so we might offer something of true value and worth–friendship, companionship, community stamped with the glory of God.

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9 thoughts on “When I Finally Realized I Have Nothing to Say

  1. I love this. And you. I have a dinner date tonight with someone I’ve barely met – what a great reminder to sit and listen to her speak rather than talk myself. I’m a naturally chatty person, so listening without speaking is one of the most difficult things for me to do.

    1. Kim, I love & miss you too and I am jealous to be the one having dinner with you!! I am the same way, which is why it’s been quite the growth process to try something different and {hopefully} better.

  2. These Sharpie scribbles are so beautiful, Marian. I don’t know you personally-only through typefaces on white screens-but your heart seems so familiar. Your prayer in the car has been mine, too. So I’ll join you in the surrender of our wordplay as acts of worship to the Author of our lives. Grace and peace to you!

    1. Lacy, Oh my word, so glad to share the journey with you! I have so many dear friends who I know through screens only and I’ve been allowed to meet one. It’s a wild blessing, isn’t it? To be able to cultivate relationships via writing and online, but the art is to not neglect the ones right next to me. Teaming up together. 😉

  3. 🙂 thrilling to come to these little nuggets of realization- one part big sigh of relief (oh yes! I am not wasting my time I just was supposed to find this other thing) and one big sigh of oh my gosh look at all the new work I need to do. Thanks for sharing!

  4. WOW! You are definitely a WORLD CHANGER! I want to sit and glean from you! I felt every word written, it resignated with me. You may not be able to change the world in its entirety but you change the worlds of the individuals who read the words of your heart. You have a powerful gift of expression and insight. If we choose to accept, this can be an opportunity for us to serve in a capacity beyond ourselves. Christ said “I came to serve, not be served”. If we align with His heart we can change the lives of every individual we have an encounter with through Christ. Your revelation and message goes far beyond you and far beyond this blog. I believe this is the beginning of Gods people realizing that WE have nothing to say because we should be listening out for the cries of the broken, the individuals who have been shaped and ruined by the world. The echoes of shattered hearts covered with plastered smiles who believe that if they smile long enough it would take root and they could really be happy and at peace. It’s a transforming thing to someone who has never been heard to finally have the floor and a receiving ear. We are the vehicles by which God can change this world. Well done my sister!

    1. I hope you forever keep leaving comments. You teach me in the words you share. Thank you so much for taking time to not only read, but consider and reflect and add….”It’s a transforming thing to someone who has never been heard to finally have the floor and a receiving ear.” Wow…Yes, Brandi. May God always keep my ears open and my tongue tied until the right time.

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