Just One Page Later

I opened my journal for the first time last night and started writing. Some day one of my children will open it up to read and wonder–how did all this happen just one. page. later.

My last entry was April 13. My husband and I were spending time together serving in the Dominican. I had high hopes he would envision our family down there full-time. Those hopes were immediately crushed as I watched my extroverted husband become an introvert that week. The language barrier seemed to crush the essence of who he was. In my written prayers, I was venting frustration, wondering how it was possible for us both to find a place of ministry that would fill us to overflowing.

Just one page later, I am pregnant. Parenting (ungracefully) and solo for a month. Selling our first house while my husband works his first month in a new church. Living dependent upon the hospitality of friends–in four different houses. Anticipating the convergence of our family into one household once again. I have complained, laughed, yelled, and fallen asleep–all in the most embarrassing of places. I am still wading my way successfully through school which echoes not of my own intellect, but of God’s grace and strength when He calls us to something.

In the midst of the insanity, I have been tempted to think that God has forgotten me. My dreams and hopes and passions are, once again, placed on the sidelines of life while I corral and referee children, sort and sign paperwork, balance and rebalance checkbooks, and try not to text my husband every time something goes ‘wrong.’ Then God sends me an email, just a small reminder through a friend that He has named my hopes and that he has infused my dreams with the DNA of his image divine.

A simple reminder that I am not forgotten.

It’s like bootcamp. I am hammering out the fears of change. I am pounding away at the flesh of impatience. I and facing my desire to be in control and learning I don’t always steer in the right direction.

A lot changes between two small pages. A lot of life was created and transformed between pages. A lot of self-realizations happen in between pages.

Name your chaos, remember the moments between pages. It is often the times when prayers are silent but life is loud that one forgets God has not forgotten, but is rather aligning life in the same manner He aligned the night sky.

More to come…

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