My Cussing Soul

I have a confession: I cashed in on grace today.

It’s been a long week. I’ve felt sad for no apparent reason. When my man came home, I asked about his day and if he was still worried about an event at work. His eyes scanned the mail on the table, never lifting, as he answered. The problem isn’t yours anymore, babe–rest your pretty head and don’t fret. I’d been fretting with him over this for two years and he just wrote me off in a single sentence.

So I told him off. In five words. I’m that good.

I cuss when I’m sad. And mad. (And after I watch movies that cuss, too.) And our conversation left me still sad and newly lonely as my words alienated my man.

Why do I cycle in and out? It’s more than the monthly blues. It’s the color of arctic waters. And this cold cycle stirs purposelessness just when life should be going as planned.

It’s a whisper that I’ll never be good enough. Good enough for what?

As good as who?

There is this monster inside me that envies the success of complete strangers. Authors who are newly discovered. Speakers who are allowed to teach. She’s ugly and selfish and 100% part of me. And on these sad days–when the blanket around my shoulders weighs of lead–she whispers, “If you were good enough, it would be you…but it’s not, therefore you aren’t….”

“I don’t need to be good enough!” I murmur, unconvinced. “Because I don’t even know what I want from life…”

But now I lie. I want for someone to turn the cussed light on in my soul.

I think back over seasons of light and dark.

All the plans I made, exhilarating projects that were supposed to keep the darkness at bay. I have always worked hard to find the switch–my hands run along the halls of my mind, fumbling for the light that’s supposed to be. right. here.

What am I doing wrong in my pursuit of God?

If God is light, and I’m getting to know Him better…where’s all this midnight coming from?

________________________

I have a confession: I was wrong. I have been pursuing the knowledge of God when…more than anything…I want to be known by Him.

“But now that you know God, or rather are known by God…” Galatians 4.9

Since I was a little girl, I’ve fought to be noticed. Finally tonight, I realize my error.

How can I know myself without Him? What can I offer that doesn’t already belong to Him? How can I define Him who transcends language?

To know Him is to be known by Him. That opens my eyes to hope and I can see again.

There is nothing left except what’s best: To sit on the floor before feet eternal and be known. And pray He turns that light back on.

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4 thoughts on “My Cussing Soul

  1. Marian, thank you for writing this! I so can immerse myself in to your writing and it becomes my words in a way that I find hard to do myself. You inspire me! I love you for that!!!! And for your authenticity. Hugs!!!

  2. Jodie, Thank you so much. I take your hugs and send them right back atcha to the big SD. Your encouragement and comments here mean so much. Thanks for taking time to share. Love you too!

  3. Have I mentioned how glad I am that I found your blog? I could have written this same post (though not nearly as well). I have a potty-mouth left over from my old life. And yes, it gets worse when I’ve been watching too much TV. It’s in my head.

    And don’t even get me started on the prideful, envious part of me that has to fight to be happy for the success of others. Good grief, my heart is so ugly sometimes. Thank you for being so transparent and honest. You are blessing me so much!

    1. Jenn, It’s so good to know we’re not alone! Seriously, sometimes it’s hard to believe both aspects of myself–sin and spirit–can co-exist. Wait, that makes me sound mentally unstable… 😉

      I saw you today over on the Cross-shaped series and smiled! Sometimes, I can’t get over the connection we are able to experience on this crazy world of internet. As much as I love the face to face, I can’t deny the community that exists here, too. At this stage of my life–raising kids, finishing school, writing, etc…it’s so good to be challenged through an avenue that ushers itself right on into my home.

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